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THE BAND MEMBERS!
Poison Dart and Tiger Dart
Both Tiger Dart and Poison Dart were major punk-rock stars in junior high and high school, but they could never
find any other band members that could play as good as they could. The Dart's wanted to have people who could play tunes to
their harmonies and make them get to the top. Their marijuana-drenched lyrics and rusty instrumentation caught lots of young
emo-teens' attention. When they were in 10th grade they decided to drop out and concentrate entirely on their musical futures.
35 year old bass guitarist and backing vocalist, Red Lightning joined their band and hard hittin' drummer, Dragony added his
one of a kind drumming skills to the package. The Darts were inspired by many things, but something unknown inspired their
number one selling hit "She Lost All Her Powers". After they made this song and became number one on the music charts all
over the world the money came pouring in. But they soon found out that their music contract would run out within weeks. They
blew off all their money on drugs and skateboarding, and soon went through intense therapy sessions to deal with their anger
problems, and depression. Now they work on their own to give all their fans free music and spread their extreme ways across
the globe.
Dragony
Dragony joined The Darts when he was only 14. He got kicked out of the school band for the way he played the drums. When
he heard about an audition for a band he went and put up his best effort to get it right and join the band so he could make
it big in the music industry so the junior high school band would see the star they kicked out. When Dragony decided he was
to good for The Darts, him and Red Lightning started to secretly make songs for The Darts cd's. They did all they could to
make their songs better even though they were only two people making the songs. After writing and releasing his own single,
"Rasberry" he became known to the world as more than the guy in the back of the stage that no one could see. He got ranked
number 4 as the worlds sexiest man, and then started making movies with many big stars like Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp,
Bruce Willis, and others. All of this went to his head and he eventually joined another band with a man named J-Hound. Now
he mainly works with J-Hound and the others, but every once in a while he goes on tours singing "Rasberry" with The Darts
playing for him
Little Flare
One day he awoke on a shore to find himself on the rugged coasts of West Ireland. He was taught by a local cheiftain
many Irish customs. He played the bagpipes for seven years. Then he journeyed through the wiolderness looking
for signs from the tree spirits. He built a raft and sailed to Canada, crossing paths with The Darts. They thought
he was cool, so he made a few songs with them. His hit "The Irish Flame" guaranteed him a future role in the Darts'
music.
THE GUEST SINGERS!
Red Lightning
Red Lightning was a former band member, until he took it upon himself to rush the cd "Topple Over Yesteryear" onto the
soundwaves of your local punk-rock stations. Since then he has become a guest singer. He flooded it with gay fag songs and
we were like "Hell Nah! That shit is gay!" We're a bunch of hooligans, not a boy band.)
Living in the land of Mississippi makes you a wrangler man. Big Bad Red Lightning as his fellow biker gang
members recalled was the fastest dang moron on two wheels they had ever seen. He was a mean machine who went camping
and instilled fear on all the local wildlife. One man remembers the fight Red Lightning won with a big old grizzly bear on
one of his many fishing trips. He was always a brawler. He loves moonshine and whiskey. He can drink himself an
ocean. In his spare time, Red Lightning loves to get drunk, ride bulls, hunt, fish, shoot owls, and participate in an
occasional dogfight. As a bass guitarist for the Darts he pours pure violence out of his soul in every performance. "This
is dark stuff," Red Lightning told his wife of 4 years.
Mampson
Mampson is a young man, not even in his prime who has done it all. From pro-wrestling to saving his fellow neighbors
from fires, animals, and mean guys. After Mampson's many adventures he was extremely tired and needed to rest. He wanted everyone
to know his stories, but he couldn't read or write. That's when he decided to join The Dart's as a guest singer and tell his
stories in his songs. Now Mampson is not only a former WCW champion, but a rising legend in the punk-rock charts.
Polar Red VI
Better known as Petre, this illegal alien guest stars in many of The Darts' songs that nobody else will do. He lives
on a secret government base that N.A.S.A. and that dicklick, Dick Cheney spent government money on. He fills The Darts in
on all the lies your government tells. His I.Q. is higher than Albert Einstein's, but the government won't register
that. They say that since Alby helped design America's doomsday devices that he will always have the highest i.q. score
of every human to come. How smart is that Steven Hawkins guy? Is he smarter than Einstein? He's not smarter than Petre, but
Petre does suffer from outbursts of extreme insanity. Petre's HIT "Fuck ALL Those Other Bitches" is about how The Darts are
taking over the music industry.
Aslan
He's only 14 years old and all the girls and women are after him for his girlish looks. All women like Aslan because
every song is the most feminine, fragile-sounding, vulnerable, lovey-dovey, sad/happy, uncensored emotion of a man who feels
like a woman for women and all those N'SYNC and Backstreet Boys fans. Okay girls, stop arguing over who are the roughest,
sexiest boy bands because with Aslan in their "ear-shredding arsenal of sound" The Darts are just that! Aslan is the
prettiest, long-haired blonde, petite, slender, flambouyant, emo-emotional boy in existence. The Darts are the most raggedy,
punky, dissheveled, unorthodox, rebellious Anarchist skateboarders out there. Aslan gives The Darts the occasional much-needed
pop appeal.
Tuchilakemonstrose
Have you ever watched Digimon before? If so, you have an idea what Tuchilakemonstrose is. He is the ultimate villain
in the Feliworld. He is an ancient space demon. He is a highly evolved form that lives in a castle and feasts on the eggs
of unborn Felimon. He is nearly undefeatable. He is one of the meanest scariest and dominating life forces on the planet.
He is the ultimate incarnation of evil.
Quiggy Q.
The artist formerly known as Qui-Gon-Jinn came back from the Netherworld with a slight amount of racism. It's so sad,
but it's true. He drinks his morning coffee vowing to cleanse the world of all people he considers to be N-words. A lot of
these N-words are actually Caucasians too. They have very low midichlorian counts. We do not approve of his behavior, but
we cannot turn down the talent he brings to the table.
Saber
After Dragony and Tiger Dart sold out and told the Darts to go fuck themselves, a long time went by where The remaining
members were way too pissed and in low morale to write good songs. A lot of the audience left with the departure of Dragony
and Tiger Dart. In 2019 The Darts had the great idea of enlisting Petre's friend Saber to fill in on the drums. Saber has
a voice that sounds a whole lot like Dragony, but Saber is less of a sissy. Perhaps we will get a new version of Raspberry
that doesn't suck donkey dick. For now, fuck that song. We're moving on. We're trying to reclaim all the positivity and enthusiasm
that the losers stole from us. Maybe the band should have run its course by now, but Dragony and Tiger Dart really fucked
us over. We're getting unexplained cold shoulders from former fans, so somebody is trying to sabotage us. Don't worry. It
only makes us stronger. The stink of their negativity has washed off.
Jack
Jack thinks he can cook, but his food is ridiculously disgusting. Jack used to be a politician. Now he is a gangster
rapper. Jack loves recycling people's feces and diarrhea for his recipes. He mainly makes imitation beef patties. Jack is
infamous for his love of burgers and waffles. He likes hickory curing food too. His customers unknowingly volunteer to be
walking toilets.
Sugar Dart
Sugar Dart started out as a part-time studio musician who never got any credit for his contributions. He sang parts in
Orchestra Riot and he did the vocals in Late Night. People assumed these vocal parts were done by Poison Dart, but they were
actually performed by Sugar Dart. In 2019, Poison Dart decided that it was time for a second Dart to join The Darts full time
to permanently replace Tiger Dart. Poison Dart sounds a little bit like a mix of the NoFX singer and Blink 182 singer.
Steg
Steg is an obese overeater who likes to eat the most stupid combinations of foods put together. He's just a fat guy
with really bad taste and a quirky personality. He gets lucky on occasions. Other times he embarrassed himself by hitting
on women who find him to be appalling. Steg offers his vocals to Steg Track and Mutton Glutton. In the future there will probably
be more recordings featuring Steg.
Scott
Scott used to play a whole lot of Yu-Gi-oh. He hussles people and he wrestles too. He smokes pot also. His voice style
is similar to Trapt and Breaking Benjamin.
Prickles
Prickles is a sad lizard who used to have a lot of friends. He constantly does suicidal stunts and has committed suicide
countless times. Most people think he is a little retarded, but he is actually a nice lizard. His favorite food is pickles.
He likes drinking vinegar too. He joined an elite fighting squad called The Earthwatchers to instill a sense of purpose in
his life. He is known to emulate Jeff Hardy's fighting style. Prickles is one of Red Lightning's younger brothers.
Peregrine
Peregrine is the most effeminate and bitchy of the Steifer brothers. He gets more action than Terry and Prickles, but
not Red Lightning. Red Lightning is a masculine manwhore. Peregrine has a devoted girlfriend named "Stupid Girl." She has
low self-esteem and puts up with all Peregrine's bullshit. One cool thing is that Peregrine is kind of obsessed with the band
Orgy. He is always singing some bullshit about "The Peregrine Digital." He likes to sing about groinal tapping and is a soprano
with a hoarse voice.
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